too real to feel

I was about to write some lines for you
again
after this many years
several stars passed me by
some stones hit me
I hit myself too
really hard
in the head.

I was about to carve your picture on my wall
to call you on the phone
to tell you that I love you
to tell you that I miss you so bad that my stomach hurts
and I cannot sleep and all that shit

I was about to do all that

I swear

I was about to solve all my problems with a bang!

I was listening too much to Morphine and the Loop
with a quiet mood
And all the girls move their hips very slowly
Man…

I dreamed I was an Artaud drawing
Undercover
Hidden in New York magazines
In those frosty Sunday mornings where the Gug is just a spaceship
And I am in
Like never before
Not losing myself
Eating Chinese food
And looking the reflection of all the lights
in your sunglasses
while you were walking on the Coney Island boardwalk
inside your green transparent dress
full of wind and sand and that wide summer light
like a blue veil.

I dream of you sometimes
I still love you sometimes
I used to be amazed by your beauty
I burned my ships at your feet
I ate my sons
I fought against the Minotaur
I drop the bombs
I stole the fire of the gods for you
killed the giant and the dragon
smoked the pipe
I tamed the horses and the elephants
I change the world
I cut my nails
I cut my legs

I was a moth
You had all the light in the world under your chin

I broke myself in pieces for you
in a hot winter day
under the moonlight
by the beach
Faulkner’s palms roaring above our heads
that water drop in the bathroom
mirroring my teeth

It just was not enough

Not e-n-o-u-g-h

We had the world.

Now

We have the anger

marienbad

En algunas noches como esta
cuando echo terriblemente de menos todo aquello que odiaba
noches solitarias de vértigo
con tus vasos de whisky eternos
tus cervezas
tus puñetazos que no aciertan
tus palabras estúpidas como un político en campaña
con su cartera sobre la mesa

En algunas noches como esta
tras demasiado tiempo con un nudo en la garganta
tu hablas
yo escucho
nada más se oye allí arriba
en el tejado
salvo los grillos y el aire acondicionado
y los pájaros
y toda esa realidad sobrevolando las ventanas como
palomas malolientes
como el genio de la lámpara con un humor de perros
solo estás tu llorando como si sufrieras
pero arañando y pataleando como un cardo
intentando proteger tu burbuja
te equivocas si piensas que me importa tanto
a estas alturas

tu sufrimiento es grande
todo el mundo lo sabe
nadie lo discute
¿pero qué hay de todo el que tu causas?

Sonríe

este puede ser un gran final
amargo
rápido
a traición
¿acaso no deseaste que fuera así?

Es difícil amarte cuando parece
que tu mismo no amas nada
que te mantienes a mil kilómetros y sólo esperas
chupas un poco de la espina dorsal de los demás
y luego miras a los ojos para ver si aún tiene más para darte

En algunas noches como esta
cuando te echo terriblemente de menos

the new biographical dictionary of film

glups
glups
she said
glups
while I was immersing
glups, I though
what’s that?
and my eyes closed
and my head got full of her pink oxygen
her sweet nitrogen
entering in my
veins
and exploding in little
bubbles
little needles
scraping my skin from the inside
like the lion in the circus

glups

and I can feel her skin
getting closer
and liking my
fingers
sucking my life away

glups

and her smell like
anemones
spinning all over my face
caressing my
bones
merging with my stupid
mortal
atoms

glups

and I can’t help
but spin
and kiss her neck
and fall in love with her

La petite sirène d’Auderville

“I feel like Chinese food,” she said
“I did not think it will last,” I breathed
The black haired woman is still freezing me
Those eyes that spark
You’re shinny but
Your silver lips are cold baby
Don’t you know?
The little blonde angel just told me twice
I am an actor and they don’t think I am good anymore
Up in the city things are really weird
Sarah is embracing me with a big yellow wig
You know you are so much sweeter when you are close…

I miss you swimming in these old shimmering lights
I am falling on my knees
I promised
I was not coming back again

Minerva, she loves me
Don’t you see?
She is giving me her plea
And she talks me kind
She is married to the jungle
And she leaves
While I shake my head in the mirror
I don’t think I am really here

Chinese gin tonics keep coming in from across the street
Cat woman is biting my elbow
I miss you somewhere deep inside
While I shake my head
And notice
I have been trapped in a wishing well

Chocolate Police
Those thirty five years old models
Dreaming Bergman
burning banana splits
and smoking cigarettes
Girls from Tokyo
And cosmetics from New Jersey
I miss you somewhere deep inside
While I shake my head
Dorian Gray, she said, was just a Go-ri-laaz

Bee woman
Sting me, please
I see you in your bike
With your tender apple dress
Your hair hanging from that little white head
And your lips keep flashing like the lights in a reservoir
Hey I just wanted to tell you
You think your pretty smart
Well I think you’re right
but take care
I miss you somewhere deep inside
While I shake my head
And I can’t wait anymore

I can’t believe you’re talking again
in the radio
everything sounds so more interesting when you lie
Tsotsi is so sad he is going back to bed
All those heroes are so tired to help me
So I guess I will wonder in the streets of Harlem
‘Till I find a good hole to sleep in

apes, monkeys and elephants

I stare at your pale-pink face
in the morning sun
while I spin around the lake
all those skyscrapers
growing from the trees
the grass
and the light brown dirt

and I think about china
and wax
and I bite my nails
because your face is just a white reflection
in the transparent cloud of light
that trespasses you like a neutrino rain
in the heat of the California afternoon

miles away

drinking and hiding
in the dim lithium light
of a plastic telephone booth
in Bleecker Street

I think of you too

Magic rabbit

And how beautiful you are

Under this swords
and all these iron cords around us
and we both here
suspended over the dark waters
and the smog
and the hot tea
the wooden elephants
the tin palms
the tiny lights blinking like amphetamine pulses
deep into the broken hearted gorgeous summer night
shear a tear over us
because I love her
and I will never see her
this night

and the alcohol bruises
burn over us in thin flames
made of Norwegian songs
and little heartbreaks
and loneliness on a Tuesday morning

suspended over the leaves flowing below us
and the heartbeat of pieces of broken red bike lights
passing through us like latex bullets
while we look at the green lights in the office buildings
and think about all those lives
dying little by little
waiting for Christmas

we
hold by Rosendale stones
granite
limestone
and sand


just sand under all that

shit

shit
don’t want to write
can’t write
won’t write

just walk around with a cigarette in my mouth

it is not burning yet

and hear the frogs outside
and switch on the fan
and the posters dance in the wall
by the breeze

shit
don’t wanna see you
fuck off
can’t forget about it
you did and is just your lost

I walk fast through the cage
I undress myself while walking
I hit the walls
To feel the carpet underneath my feet
and all the bugs inside
biting
and creeping
and dancing
and telling me how beautiful you are
and how much I miss you
and that you should leave

But… don’t
Don’t do it

I still think of you

And my fingers ache
So I don’t write
And I don’t know if they are coming after us
Or where are we
I can’t answer these questions for you
I can’t ask them for me
So don’t do it
Just burn slowly
And get the hell out of here
Because I only can see you when it is dark

WASP-12b

I have just arrived home from the ivory coast
the light blue still shining in my dirty
little
stout hands

they still glitter
blinking
like stars
dying all over me
like a blinking aura
made of broken rings
and saliva
and transparent filings
from your skin

I dance
When I arrive
I dance with the swallow
girls
that smell like coconuts and
oranges

their skins so tender
their legs so enchanting
my brain like a burning machine
burning you
burning me
burning like eating matches


and I know I am not there
I am gone


no matter how loud
you call me

I am gone

no matter how tempting
I am gone by now

I am not writing this anymore

is just the machine

not me

not me

anymore